Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Teary Tuesday

Tears water the page before me
as recent rains have watered
the greening lawn
My heart is heavy with a sadness
I cannot explain,
put into words
Regret? The sense of wasted time
and opportunity? The wish tor
something different? something more?
The longing for companionship?
The passing of the years?
I do not know...
I only know that I hurt today,
feel empty, unfulfilled...
and the tears keep falling.

Sometimes, like this morning, i am overcome by a sense of deep, unrelenting sadness coming from the very core of my being. Has that ever happened to you? Of course, it doesn't help that the sky is heavy and overcast, since my emotions tend to be greatly influenced by the weather. But more is going on here, i think, than can be laid at the feet of meteorological events.

I am carrying a burden of heaviness which i am finding it impossible to put down: the on-going concern about my youngest son, Paul's depression...the very real problems of my Rwandan "grandson", Emmanuel, and his family...the financial difficulties of the non-profit to which i have devoted so much of the past year...the health and happiness of my dear friend, Karen...the relentless path of the Parkinson's disease which is taking my precious Uncle John...the declining attendance at the small church which i presently serve...the overwork and underpay of both of my son, Mark, and daughter, Hope, as they seek to work with integrity in their respective fields of theatre and caring for the environment.

Is it any wonder that tears fall? That i feel engulfed, for long moments, by despair? But then, remarkably, i find myself recalling the request from a friend, a couple of years ago, for my prayers, for my presence...i re-read the poem i wrote in response to her and find that the words are resonating today just as true as when i wrote them. It's time, once again, to turn my thoughts, my focus, from my own feelings- as legitimate as they are- toward those who need what i have to offer, as insignificant as it frequently seems

friend to friend
A precious friend has shared
her fears, her need for presence,
for prayer. She has entrusted
herself into my hands, my heart…
and so here I am- fully present
                                    fully prayerful
my love & intention & attention
directed to her need…to her…
Her healing- whatever that may be-
lies in other hands than mine…
     but the heart she has entrusted
     to me I hold gently but firmly in my
     hands, cradling it with my own loving care.

Whether I feel worthy or not, I am
being the presence of God for her
right now, shining the light of Love
into her paralyzing darkness, using
my words to convey hope, to stir
courage, to provide a safety net
when the burden she is carrying
knocks her off the precarious path
she is traveling by necessity alone-
          but not unaccompanied.

Love surrounds you, dear one…
cocoons you,

cushions you,
comforts & protects you- not from
the storm itself, but from the
uncertainty, the loneliness of
walking this perilous road alone…
Rest in the certainty of being
companioned…breathe in the
holy peace of friendship & love…
and walk in the confident truth
that, no matter what happens,
‘all manner of things shall be well.’  

And so, for each one of you who, today, occupies a space within my heart, know that i am holding you, loving you, caring for you, and sending you every bit of strength, courage, and love that i can... even from the place of my own weakness. The tears i shed are for you as well as for myself, and they are the stuff of compassion...
watering the space between us and turning it into Holy Ground.

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