a prophetic voice-

It was two years ago today that my mother died...two years ago on the last day of January...except that year, 2010, the last day of January fell on a Sunday. A beautiful snowfall on the previous day blanketed the outside world in silent, still whiteness and the sunlight shimmered and shone, reflecting off the surface of the snow, giving everything the look of newness- the whole world pristine and glowing and lovely. It was the perfect day for Mom's departure and welcome into that other realm where loved ones awaited with open arms to embrace her and carry her "home".  sunday's dying Brilliant sunlight reflects off pristine backyard snow as i draw open the curtains, light two candles, and prepare to draw my mother into the shared circle of worship. Never mind that she has not responded since yesterday morning...never mind that her breathing is labored and her heartbeat is wildly irregular... never mind that her skin feels hot and clammy...

psalm of despair   words evade me this morning, and depression envelopes me as surely as the fog outside hides the sun from my view. loneliness creeps up on silent feet and God seems far away. an imposter- that is how i feel a poser, acting as if my heart is filled with God, yet stumbling along this path alone...alone...alone... how i envy those who seem so sure, so certain of the ways and means of God- for i am not. wise answers evade me and every ounce of energy is required just to keep me on my feet. i hurt for so many people, yet feel shackled by my doubts and fears, my uncertainty. i want to hide my face, as you have hidden yours, O God. i want to stay within my safe, comfortable space and let the world go by. so just for today, Spirit of Comfort, comfort me... hold me safe beneath your wings. wipe away my tears and let me know that weeping is the way in which my heart is washed clean of all the pain and doubt and fear. comfort me, O God, and hold the hand of this stumbling,

Away from home- Safe, familiar, comfortable home- I am nonetheless safe In this familiar, comfortable place Where I have come, with heavy heart And overburdened spirit, To be refreshed, renewed, re-birthed. Tears have flowed freely, frequently, Washing me clean of the anger I so often Fail to acknowledge, even to myself... Wiping away the many vestiges of doubt And second-guessing which have been marking my days. Prayers have flowed- or perhaps It has been one continuous prayer, As music has surrounded and filled me, As silence has nourished and sated my spirit, And lots of sleep has healed my body and mind. Tomorrow, I return home- Back to life, back to work, back to The innumerable people who now inhabit my days, And I find I am filled with a precious peace, A sense of all-is-well-ness. The near-empty heart I brought with me Is now filled to overflowing as once again, O Mysterious and Marvelous God, You have sought and found me, and loved me full. Grati

Reflections...looking back on this very full and meaningful week...seeing the days with eyes at present both tired and heavy, though on other days they were filled with joy and wonder. A birthday, my seventieth, meaning I have now been on this earth for 25,567 days...seems incredibly short and amazingly long, doesn't it? Reflections...reading poetry, my favorite Mary Oliver, and ruminating on her poignant words in "When Death Comes": when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades, I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?                      *              *            *               * When it's over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular and real. I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument. I don't want to end up simply having visited this world. Reflections...writing some words of my own...